GREETINGS FROM SOUTH AFRICA!
MAXMOM here...
(Our special little memorial at home)
In terms of dog dynamics, Max was a formidable presence! Not only was he statuesque, strong, vital and robust, but he kept his pack firmly in line. He had so many facets to his temperament. There was his gentler side where he’d let my chickens sit on his back or Miss R’s hamster on his paws and then there was his dominant side, which was not negotiable.
In our household, I was leader of the dog pack. As my primary companion, Max took his role seriously. From a human’s perspective, I think we would consider him selfish. You see, he didn’t share! As far as his toys were concerned, they were his and his alone! Bones and treats belonged to him and I would have to separate the dogs in the four corners of our property so that they would each be able to enjoy their own. When he was finished his however, and the other pack members were still busy, he merely annexed them. As a strong and vital dog, they didn’t argue.
TAMMY-GIRL
was brought into this household when Maxdog was one year old. Max and her bonded immediately. They played with each other incessantly and basically grew up together.
For practical purposes, Tammy was spayed at 9months of age. She has the softest, calmest temperaments in a dog that I have ever come across. She is gentle and quiet and will submit to anything – except the two Malteses in this household. She has never snapped at anything and she drew most of her confidence from Maxdog.
Maxdog was her hero and she would do anything for him!
It was impossible for us to really play with TAMMY-GIRL, because her devotion to Max didn’t allow it. We tried by taking her out on her own, but she didn’t want it. She wanted Max and that is how we let her be.
Over the years she did take over what she obviously construed as her responsibility – like the Hadedah Ibises and doves in our garden.
She hates them beyond measure. She’ll stalk them, she’ll chase them, she’ll patrol the perimeter to secure it from them. This is her domain.
But she only took it on because Maxdog wasn’t really interested.
Now that Max has gone, and as most of you have picked up, Tammy needs attention. She is confused without him.
She won’t go near his toys, but she will sleep in the places he slept and will hide her nose in the cushioning...
It is my role now to try and develop her confidence and self esteem. I think I will have to invest in some ‘toys’ which don’t have Max’s smell on them and which she might take on as her own!
It’s interesting that she’s annexed his raw-hide bone, but won’t touch his toys and it’s also interesting how the other dogs are reacting to the changes with Maxdog’s departure.
Tammy has usurped the bone!!!
It is clearly hers!!!
When she is not mouthing it, it is left on the lawn, in the shadow of the tree where Maxdog sometimes lay and the other dogs don't go near it!
Sometimes she chews on it and sometimes she shakes it and tosses it in the air.
It’s almost a celebratory ritual of the fact that it is now hers.
It’s quite incredible to watch!
My walks with her in the evening have been much quieter.
Being a gentle, obedient soul, I don’t have my arm pulled incessantly.
Rather, she walks quietly besides me all the time looking around for Max. He was her shield on the walks when other dogs barked or attacked. He was also her playmate when they charged down to the green patch...she’d always wait for him before she darted off. Now she still charges, only to interrupt her stride and look back...
”Where is Max?”
Instead of feeling sorry for Tammy (which I do), I have been enlightened by some of my blogging friends, that perhaps I should view Tammy as Max’s heirloom for me.
I find this notion beautiful and I am sure to take it on!
Thank you!
With treats, lots of love and cuddles as well as systematic encouragement, perhaps she will emerge into a more confident dog despite her age of 9 years.
She discovered last night that she loves licking yoghurt containers.
(Something previously reserved for Max)
She has discovered that it’s actually quite easy to climb onto my bed and receive cuddles...
She is discovering that she may be top dog and she will have to rise to the role.
In the meantime...
KING TOFFEE
is a really happy chappy!
He is quite comfortable with the new arrangement and the absence of Max. He can now happily play with balls without them being stolen and he has far less competition. At the moment he’s a bundle of energy!
As for little old TOMMY (the “boarder” as we jokingly call him because he was my late mother’s dog), I don't think he is aware of any changes whatsoever. He is fifteen years old now and has a number of health issues, so he sleeps all the time. We will probably also have to say goodbye to him soon. I think it will be easier for me to say goodbye to him because it is something I have expected and will probably be a relief for both him and I. Oh dear, the joy of dog ownership!
Thank you to you all for your immense support for me during this time. I am spending my time writing (Max’s book) and have not been visiting your blogs. Please accept my apologies. As the healing process advances, I will visit, but perhaps not for now. I will probably only be writing these blogposts because I find both writing and your comments enormously strengthening. I hope you can find it in yourselves to understand and not be offended...I just can’t visit at the moment!
Sending lotsaluv to you all, my special, special cyber-friends!
MAXMOM IN SOUTH AFRICA
51 comments:
Take all the time you need! We are always here. I am so glad that you and Tammy have each other.
The Duchess
Good morning,
I love reading your thoughts...it is good to see that you are able to think about the good memories of all your Pack and the dynamics each brought into the mix. Tammy is so sweet taking in all of Max's smells.
Very interesting how she won't play with his toys...I guess that is her way of showing respect.
I love your memorial to Max...
Are you writing Max's book for yourself or will you share it with the world? I'd love to have a copy of it.
Madi and Mom
MaxMom,
We will all be waiting here for your when you are ready, but for right now you have much more important things to work through and it's undertood 100%.
You and Tammy can use eachother for strength, comfort, and most importantly love...
Always thinking of you and your family...
Wags and woofs,
Mack and Mia
Thanks for telling us all about how Tammy and the rest of the pack are faring. I have never been in the position of dealing with a bereaved dog myself, but I remember clearly what happened after a Westie belonging to a friend of mine was killed in a car accident. She was one of two Westies, both female, who were the same age (although not siblings) and had been brought up together. They always slept curled up, closely intertwined on their bed. It was the smaller, sweeter-natured one that was killed, aged about 5 yeas old. I had imagined that the other Westie would be distraught but in fact, being something of an attention seeker, she actually seemed to relish the extra attention and I had the impression that she was happier with the new state of affairs. Then a new sister was acquired, and they clearly enjoy each other's company but the older dog exhibits clear signs of jealousy if you pet the younger one too much. I guess the lesson I drew from it all is that it is hard to predict how things will go, and we should sometimes be wary about thinking that we can imagine what goes on inside our dogs' heads.
Best wishes,
Gail.
Pack dynamics are so interesting to watch. Some of our losses have caused obvious changes in the peking order. Maguire's passing really didn't cause changes in the pack, however I know that Hamlet is missing him...It's so sad when they lose a friend--We both know how they feel don't we? I continue to think of you, and hope that your days get easier Caryl.
Tammy has taken on a pretty big responsibility from Max! I hope that she does come out of her shell a little...I'm guessing she will. I think that this is just her time of mourning, as it is yours.
Please keep on writing--and don't worry about not getting around to blogs! You're doing a favor to us just by posting.
Thanks for the update on how Tammy and Toffee are doing. If you want to keep the toys,I recommend that you wash all of them in the machine, the ones that you can... with a strong cleaner and baking soda, will remove any odors, it even works on skunk.
Don't worry about not visiting much, we really understand, you need time to heal. God bless!
-Pamela
We are all here for you at any time. Your writing is wonderful to read, and you writing truly indicates that through the darkest hours life goes on and so do we.
Sheila & Bob
Hamish & Sophie
It is so good to hear how Max's pack is fairing. Poor Tammy, and with no way to make her understand, poor Caryl.
As far as the cushion sniffing, I have observed this behavior in mourning humans as well. Scent is a big memory trigger. How far better it must be with a dog's enhanced sense of smell!
Don't worry about the visiting, just keep writing, we are hanging on your every word.
Yes, Tammy is Max's gift to you and that bone is Max's gift to Tammy. Max carried that bone around for the last few days of his life - did he have an intent? Was it to place as much of his DNA on its surface before he left so that Tammy could feel his presence?
I firmly believe that Max knew he would be leaving soon. Animals know - look at how wise elephants are when they know their time has come. I also believe that even though he was dominant - he loved Tammy just as much as she loved him. He also knew that she would be lost without him. Why, of all times, did he choose to dig up something from the garden and carry it around when he was obviously so, so ill? There was a reason - he didn't tell us but I think that Tammy knows...
Dear Max'Mom,
Mango's Mom here,
On Monday, I was shocked to learn that Max had left us. I was counting with you the precious time
that Max had spent with you then...
That news saddened my heart, tears rolled down my face while I was at work but I cried a river when I read about the last moment Max was in your arm.
Max's Mom, I couldn't do that, the pain was unbearable, my husband had to take me home then came back to be with Ringo, my Maltese angel in his last breath.
You have encouraged me to take more pictures with my pet, to hug them more and to treasure every precious moment with them.
I have just published a post that is dedicated to you and all of your babies: Maxdog, Tammy, King Toffee and Tommy.
Hugs from Texas.
Yes, pack dynamics should be allowed to adapt organically. Tammy will find her place. They grieve in their own special way. I don't pretend to understand exactly how. Let them draw their strength from you, their leader. Don't give a second thought about how your blog friends perceive your frequency of visitation. We understand and look forward to your posts and your book!
Hi Caryl
We understand the difficult times you're experiencing and are thankful for all of your posts.
To Tammy from Apples - I know how you feel since you've lost your leader Max. I too lost my leader doggie Keelee in 2008 - it took me time and much love from my human Mommy to help me through the grieving process. I didn't want to eat, go for walks and was always looking for my Keelee. It'll take time - but you'll remember all he's taught you over the years and perhaps someday you'll pass your knowledge to another doggie, just like I'm doing with my Neeli.
Hugs, licks & woofs,
Nadine, Apples & Neeli
Thank you for sharing how you are all coping in your different ways. It's comforting to know that Max's family is OK ~ 'cos we he know he would want that.
Tammy - you need this tough adjustment time to figure out so many things; your relationship to the other dogs, with yourself and with your Mom and family - who are also grieving. Caryl - keep writing! Your observations are so keen and clearly and beautifully penned. With you as leader, the pack will figure things out with time. You have a huge support system that loves you and the dogs - keep writing!
With Hugs, hugs, hugs xoxoxo
Sammie and Mom
Thank you for a very rich post. It is always fascinating, in a multi-pet household, to see how each mourns the loss of one of the pack, and how they resettle into different dynamics. When my little Sen-Chan died suddenly, aged only 18 months, the most affected was Tama who adored him and was still only 5 months old. Tommy clearly understood what was going on and took over looking after her, following her everywhere, playing with her and cuddling her. A beautiful lesson that more love is the only thing that lessens the pain of lost love.
Tammy has some big paws to fill, but with your help, I feel certain that she will do fine.
Take all the time you need...we will always be here for you.
Remembering Max and sending hugs to all,
Kit
Woof! Woof! How interesting indeed ... how having several dogs react each to other. That is why my mom is contemplating to get another dog. Looking forward to read your book. Lots of Golden Woofs, Sugar
miss maxmom,
you take all the time that you need. we are your friendz, and we would nevarrr be offended that you need some time and space to heal and do some thinkin'!
i know miss tammy will be alright. she is working through the same process thingie that you are. it will take time to recover.
oh, i like to lick yogurt out of the container, too! my mama says it super good for my skin and furs!
*woof*
the booker man
Dearest Caryl,
It is amazing how our companions can "go with the flow". Needless to say I think it is wonderful how Tammy has "come in to her own".
That the Crew looks up to Tammy is great.
You know I agree that Tammy is Max's heirloom. I mean she was raised and trained by Max. Max raised Tammy to be his second in command, and therefore Tammy knows what she needs to do to be in charge of the Crew. She has been taught by the best you know, MaxDog.
Hugs, Blu and Tessa
I'm a long time reader, but haven't commented before. Just wanted to let you know that Max's story has touched me deeply and my heart is breaking for you a t this moment. He was and still is, a special soul xx
Of course we understand MaxMom.
We are glad you are still writing here. We still learn more and more about Max and we love it. We are also learning more about your other woofies, and we love that too. We have complete faith that you will bring the rest of the pack thru this and that you will get thru it.
We will keep up the purrs for all of you!
Oh, Maxmom...take all the time you need. We're not going anywhere, I promise!
After my heart cat, Annabelle, passed away, we adopted two kittens - a brother and a sister. Molly was definitely "top cat" and Ripley always deferred to her. Sadly, she passed away at only 4 years old due to a congenital heart defect. It was so interesting watching Ripley gain confidence and slowly step into Molly's role. When we adopted another cat, Abby, there was no doubt that Ripley ruled the roost.
So, yes, it will be interesting to watch how sweet Tammy-girl's role within the household evolves and changes.
As always, we're thinking of you and sending healing thoughts.
Hugs,
Amber
Dear Caryl. The LAST thought on your mind should be worrying about visiting blogs. Do your grief work, we'll still be here. That's what we do. We support and comfort as best we can and understand when a break is needed. Either in blogging and/or visiting. Concentrating on yourself and your pack is most important right now.
One of the most heartbreaking things in this kind of godawful situations is watching packmembers
grief.(Clearly as you see in your own pack, all react differently)
Over the years I have seen many reactions of the pack. An example I am thinking of is when Tess had to be released. Scooter lived with 2 other chihuahuas(my mom's dogs as I lived with my mom the last 11 years of her life to take care of her) and Sunny. Scooter had known all these dogs all his life. He was the one who just kept looking and looking for her. He broke my heart watching him in his grief.
It took him several weeks(as I recall) to stop hunting for her, then became resigned to the fact she was not with us anymore.During this time, he did not eat well at all. He did begin to look in a certain corner in my bedroom, cocking his head and giving a bark(not an alarm bark)(This would have been about a month after Tess had left for the Bridge I think-wish I would have written these observations down ). Was he seeing her? Had she come to him to help him?
Sunny spent her time trying to comfort me, it was not her priority to grieve Tess. I was her priority. She also looked to the same corner and would whine. Looking to that corner lasted about a week. After that time was over, Scooter began to eat better and resume his more normal traits.
Mom's 2 didn't show much except they sniffed around, looking for where she was for a day or 2, but were never distraught as Scooter was.
I feel Tammy will take over Max's position as pack leader(to the dogs, not you) after she does her grieving by what you write. But you will be the one to sense that. I am sorry for all the hell you have been through and continue to go through.
I wish I could do something,anything to make you feel better. All I can do is let you know I continue to hold you and your's in my heart and keep you in my prayers. Is the "Boss" ok?
Sending you love from so far away. I hope it helps.
Jamie and Sunny&Scooter
ps as one person mentioned, people do the smelling thing too. I had kept a pair of sweats(jacket and pants) my Dad had worn alot over the years. I kept them under my pillow and would smell them. My older sister came one summer, I was at work and she did me the favor of washing my bed linens. She also washed that pair of sweats and I was terribly upset, because they no longer held his scent.
An amazing post about precious Tammy and her new life with you; she is indeed a Max legacy with her love and memories of him and Max like ways...It is important for her to grieve with you and for you to help each other as you start along the newest part of your journey together...You and Tammy will always share the love you have for each other and the love you have for Max=he was as important to her as he was to you, an incredible bond you girls share!...Many kisses to sweet, lovely Tammy and hugs to you, Caryl.
Don't feel bad at all for not visiting other blogs! You're going through something we all understand. Take all the time you need!
No need to apologize for not visiting blogs. You need time to grieve and to work through that grief. If writing helps you do that, then I'm all for it and will always come back to read what you've written.
When I got Shiver, he was just a puppy. I already had an older fox terrier who was in the early stages of just starting to go downhill and a sickly kitty. The fox terrier went first and Shiver seemed thrilled that he would now be the only dog in the household. He LOVED to pounce and chew on my sleeping kitty, that was his favorite activity. Of course the cat just hated it! I scolded Shiver several times a day over it to no avail! My sweet kitty got sick (AGAIN) and had to spend a week at the vet's office. Shiver seemed fine but he did look around for Scratches (kitty). I brought Scratches home and Shiver finally left him alone which was very surprising! Scratches never got any better and a week later, I had to take him in to be put down. The vet gave me his body wrapped up in a blanket and put him in a box for me. The box was closed but not taped. I brought it home and left it in the garage. The next morning, I taped it shut so nothing could get into it. Shiver could smell death and refused to go near the box. Looking back, I'm glad I did that because now Shiver knew that Scratches wouldn't be coming back and didn't have to look for him.
He loved the extra attention but hated being left alone while I went off to work so I ended up with Chico to keep him company.
I do wonder which dog will go first and who will be left behind. And how will they react to not having the other dog their to keep him company.
Dear Caryl,
We know how it feels to have one of our babies leave us. Please take time during your healing process, although you are healed, the pain will always be there. Try to remember all the good things you've had with Max and live on that memory.
Much love to you and your family.
xxx
I think Tammy is up to the task. Those birds are just the thing to build her confidence!! Of course, King Toffee never needed in confidence boosting from what I can see. He's such a cutie pie.
You take your time, write, and heal. We're your friends and will be here for you.
On May 30, it will be one year since we lost our 14 year old yellow lab, S. It was heartbreaking to try to live without him but we observed changes in ourselves and our dogs that were interesting - like you're observing in Tammy and in your relationship with her.
Specifically, in my case, after S was gone, I realized that I'd spent the previous 1.5 years feeling like his defender from the rambunctious puppy, R. I think that I harbored a little bit of resentment toward R for not being gentler with our sweet old dog. In the past year, I've been set free to develop a much stronger bond with R because I have no reason to worry about his wildness. Now, I appreciate him for who he is, and I love him even more. So, as often happens, a new perspective and even new love grew out of a loss.
Perhaps you and Tammy are heading down a similar path? With the change in pack dynamics, there's a chance to see a new side of Tammy that you might fall even more in love with than you have in the past.
Of course, none of that negates the loss of Max. However, I found it interesting in your post to read that you were having similar thoughts about Tammy as I had about R a year ago.
Hi Maxmom! I read this post without crying! Im so glad that you have Tammy!!! Im sure she is wondering whats going on!!! I love that she has maxs rawhide! Im so glad you are taking her pictures and keeping us posted on the rest of the family!!!
Take all of the time you need to visit blogs, its not as important as loving Tammy and Toffee!!! We are your forever friends!!! And we will be here for you always!!!! Hang in there!!! Hugs,Joey and Kealani, and Valerie
Visiting is optional...
And not mandatory in the blog world I prefer...
I'm sure the pack dynamics will continue to shift in the days ahead...
I'm sure that will be a chapter all of its own...
Take as much time...I know everyone understands. Writing is great and I love reading your thoughts. I know Tammy is mourning Max in her own way. In the past, my animals have always acted different or even depressed if one in the house passed on to the Rainbow Bridge. They know what is going on. Max's last gift was the bone to Tammy. He knew and so did she. Lots of love, Debbie and Holly
Caryl
Take all the time you need - and keep on writing that book - that is just the sort of therapy you need at the moment.
Max's Memorial is beautiful - we're visiting late tonight but we will make sure to show Murray first thing in the morning.
look after yourself
Fiona
I think dogs grieve in their own way, and Tammy most likely is. I don't know how to explain it, but when we took both Treat and Hawk in to the vet for that last time, when we arrived home, the others just knew. Watching Hawk grieve for Treat was almost as hard as what I was going through at the time when she left us. Even with three other dogs here, none of them were Treat. Losing Hawk was easier, partly because he had been mysteriously ill and unlike Treat, he was an "old dog" from the time he was about eight years old.
There's something very sweet about watching a dog go through old age, I think. Lilac will be fifteen in September and I will be sad when she's gone, but at the same time, I feel she's lived a full life and enjoyed it all. I will also feel that she's ready when she goes, but it's not the same thing as watching a dog go through a terminal illness too early in life.
I wasn't a blogger when Treat left us, but we were active on several message boards where she was well-known. It was very difficult for me to go on there for a while after she passed. I can understand why reading blogs is tough right now!
Hi Maxmom! I don't comment here very often, but I've been reading Max's blog for a while and have followed along here now. I think writing these things down is a very important way to deal with all the changes that have and are happening. Tammy sure sounds like she's doing some adjusting. Take whatever time you need before venturing into bloglife as it was. Max's blog was a big part of your life, too, and you're dealing with that change also. We're here now and we'll be here when you are ready to go off visiting and reading other blogs.
Certainly do not worry about visiting other blogs and making comments - not necessary at all. Time now to focus on your family.
I suspect that Tammy likes that raw-hide because it both smells AND tastes like Max. She hasn't taken it as her own so much as taken a memento, much like you are writing for healing. Give her time. Natasha took weeks to rebound from our loss of Nikita and she had far less time with her than Tammy had with Max.
We are here for you.
We are here to carry you and be your wings for awhile.
Please keep writing. Please keep sharing.
You are corageous - even though you probably do not think you are- but to move forward and share with us your thoughts ans what is happening in the pack, is very giving of yourself.
We are all concerned about you.
Were concerned how Tammy will adjust. Animals in the forest go through experiences like this- they all feel pain- the way they rise above the swamps is more than I can understand.
Take your time. We are here with you while your heart heals.
We would never, ever be offended.
Not ever
we love you and wish we could come hug you
love
tweedles
It is so amazing how you are able to share. I had a mom and daughter and when her mom passed Roo was very confused. She was an only dog for the first time in her life. She adjusted and having us all to herself was a favorite. Of course 1 dog wasn't enough for me and that is how we ended up with Mr. Nubbin' and Co.
Sending you hugs and Tammy pats!
Wags!
Mr. Nubbin's Mom!
You don't need to worry about us as we totally understand that you need your time. We will be here whenever you are ready for us. I, too, agree that Tammy was trained by Max especially for you. I think that he might not have known that exactly, but God did and he always provides what we need.
I know, too, that dogs often grieve in their own way when they loose a dearly loved companion. It took OC a while to get over the loss of her Mama, Mist. She'd been with her for the 6 1/2 years of her life. I know that you will be able to "heal" each other through the legacy of love that was left for you both.
As always, you and yours are in our prayers... Grammy from Corgi Country
Caryl,
How could we ever be offended. We are just grateful to you for sharing your grief with so many people.
I so desperatley wanted to know how Tammy was dealing with Max not being there any longer.
I love to to read your thoughts and wisdom. I hope oneday I will be able to read this blog AGAIN and gain knowledge when my best friend passes.
Please take all the time you need to heal.
Allison
Hello Maxdog Mom,
Please don't rush. Take as much time as you need for healing. All we want to help in supporting you through this.
Tammy, Toffee and Tommy are also adjusting to how things are now and getting your strength from one another may make everything better for all of you.
We keep our paws crossed for you, Caryl.
-Fudgie, Princess, Frappie, Mocha, Sugar, Wai-Pai, Wai-Max & Piappies Mom
its so bewootiful how you and tammy are bonding. you boff lost your true loves and im sure you need her as much as she needs you right now. the bond will be so strong because you are going to carry each other through this painful time.its a blessing to have each other the way you and sweetest tammy girl do.
pibble sugars to you boff
the pittie pack
Hi Maxmom, Im so,so sorry for your loss. There are no words to express how I feel. Im just very sad. I've been away from blogging now for a week and a half due to being very sick with a cold. So needless to say Im just shocked right now.
I hope Max is up there chasing my beloved kitties around giving them a hard time.
Run Free Max, Run Free
You will be missed.
what wonderful insights about the pack, now that Max is no longer with us....
it is ok if you don't visit for a while, your comments are missed, but i understand! thank you for sharing you heartfelt feelings during this time of healing....
i will never forget beautiful, handsome Maxdog! ever!
my neighbors recently lost one of their beloveds, a beagle husky mix....they are getting a golden next week, 1.5yrs returned to the breeder...can't wait! i keep telling Tahoe she may not be the most beautiful dog on the block anymore! although, i think she still might be!!
a peace filled weekend to you...
xoxo
It is clear that you are a beautiful writer. Can't wait to ready Max's book :)
Tammy sure is missing her big brother. Please give her a BIG hug from us.
Lots of Luv & Kisses
Addie, Lucie and Hailey
What a great post!ax is watching over all you guys
Benny & Lily
I've come to realize that animals go through there own mourning of another. They make changes as well to there daily activities to adjust.
My Breezy has become my buddy that follows me all day from room to room since the passing of my Tabatha, who was top cat & my dog Rufus, who she loved very much.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Another touching and insightful post. Take all the time you need ... all of us, your friends, will be here waiting. Prayers, purrs and woofs.
Maxmom
We completely undewstand. We'we just happy that we can still come visit and heaw about all youw loves. It's good to see Tammy getting mowe confident. I know, max is at hew side, even if we can't see him. She'll give you joy in ways you nevew saw.
Ouw love to you and Tammy and Tommy and king Toffeee.
and smoochie kisses
ASta and mommi
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